March ...

As much as I hate the idea I think we are going to wait until I graduate to try again (end of March).

We looked at our finances and even with some help from friends and family we really cannot afford to do another fertility treatment until I graduate and start to make some money. The first fertility treatment we did maxed out a few of our credit cards and even though a frozen embryo transfer is "only" a little over $2,000 ... it's just too much right now.

A part of me really hates being responsible and feels as though I am missing my opportunity to be a mom. Yet, I know that God will take care of things and simply waiting 3-4 months is not going to change much of anything.

I really just want to be a mom now. :o(

(Sigh) ...

Just one big sign ... I want a baby. I hope that it happens and that we are able to get pregnant with a healthy baby on our next try but there are no guarantees. Right now I am so busy with school I barely remember that I have 2 embryos still waiting for us ... some day soon, hopefully. (Sigh)

Another world away ...

School is so all consuming right now that the thought of having a baby added into our family right now seems another world away ... I feel so removed from normal everyday life that the thought of kids almost seems foreign.
I am just trying to survive school at this point, the thought of a sweet little baby is still an attractive one, but one that seems so far away and so very out of reach.

Baby what?

Yeah I am so distracted right now with school I sometimes think ... "baby what?"
I am glad God knows what he's doing because I so don't have time to worry about getting pregnant!

Trust in God ...

Well I am certainly learning to trust in God in more than one area of my life right now. I believe I understand why we did not get pregnant this round of fertility treatments. This quarter of nursing school is the most stressful I have ever had to endure, so far! I would not be able to handle this quarter with even one more stressor. I can barely take it as is ... I can't do this all on my own and am praying that God will carry me through this terrible barren wasteland of a valley that has blasted me out of nowhere! 

Distraction ...

Well I don't have time to be sad; school is such a big distraction! This quarter is so much more stressful than I anticipated and I am not alone. All of my classmates say they are also overwhelmed and just as frazzled as I am. I am just trying to survive this quarter and pass!!! 

Hard days ...

I have hard days when I least expect them.

I was at the pumpkin patch today, enjoying our friends and their children when out of nowhere I wanted to burst into tears. I wasn't feeling hormonal or even that emotionally really at the time. I just felt, alone and somewhat alienated.

Through the vast number of emotions this crazy fertility rollercoaster has taken me on, I have days were I love to be around babies / kids and then I have days were I really struggle and it almost puts me in a panic to be near "families". It is hard to describe without sounding mildly neurotic or crazy. Well, let’s see. I will put it this way: it almost always hurts to see pregnant women at this point and I have come to expect that feeling. I am happy for my friends who are pregnant and the hurt has nothing to do with them, it is my own sense of loss that I feel. Yet, when it comes to hanging out with babies and kids I never know when all of the sudden I will be hit with unexpected and intense emotions.

Being at the pumpkin patch is very family oriented. I long for the little idiosyncrasies that are involved in a family day such as paying admission for items like: a cow train ride, slide, corn maze or etc. Having to watch from the sidelines as kids go on rides, bounce on toys and go down slides while their adoring parents look on, laughing and taking pictures … I don’t want to be on the sidelines anymore … it breaks my heart to just feel so far from that type of life with no real promise of it ever happening in site. Even the thought of having to keep an eye on kids as they dash back and forth and run to pick a pumpkin three times the size of themselves is something my heart longs for in my everyday life.

I will be fine and enjoyed the time I spent with my friends, I just hate days were you spend the entire day with others and still feel so … alone. 

One day at a time ...

I am doing better, school is an effective distraction. I don't feel overwhelmed by sorrow anymore but I am not back up to hopeful. I am not mad at God anymore just mildly frustrated and having a hard time trusting that he does have what is "best" in mind for us. It is certainly a journey that takes time. :o) Right now I am dealing with it all one day at a time.

No ...

Our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. The HCG levels dropped from 38 to 24.5. The nurse said that we were not pregnant and that when we were ready, to contact the doctor and we could try again.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement, but crying, sobbing ... helps. I spent the day with a friend since my husband was at work. I knew I didn't want to be alone when I got the phone call today, either way. I don't think I would have been able to stop crying today if I didn't have her there to help. This is the part you try to prepare yourself for during fertility treatments ... you try to remind yourself that it usually takes a few tries that it’s going to be ok, God has a plan. There really is no way to prepare yourself and at that moment you are angry at God and do not feel any peace or that he has a plan, just sadness for the loss you have just felt, again.

I think part of what was hardest was that they give you a picture of the embryos that they transfer ... most would see them as rather insignificant ... but to someone who wants so baby to be a mother, they are "her babies" and now they are gone.

We will be fine and life will go on yet for right now I am letting in the sadness for a short while and then pressing forward. We will try again but we may or may not try again in December; it is too soon to say.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support.

UGH!

Today was not the happy occasion I was hoping for or even the sad day I was afraid of ... it was worse.

I got a positive on my blood pregnancy test HOWEVER it was low. The nurse explained that they like to see HCG levels at 50 and mine were at 38. They are having me come in for another blood test on Friday to see if the HCG levels have at LEAST doubled. If they haven’t it means that either the embryos either stopped developing or miscarried. She seemed cautious in the way she explained the levels and skeptical that they would double that much by Friday. To make matters worse I had just taken a home pregnancy test not 10min before she called and it was positive. Fertility treatments make a positive test result tricky.

I think I am in a state of shock. At least if she would have said, no I am sorry your test results were negative. I could have cried my eyes out, got over it and resolve myself to knowing that we were going to have to try again. If she would have said yes without strings attached, we could have celebrated even though there are still risks of losing the pregnancy in the 1st trimester. Instead ... I get a maybe ... a maybe! All I can do is be numb; I sort of cried and am sort of hopeful. I don't really know what to do with myself. Ugh! It is sooooo frustrating!

Now I just wait ... again until Friday to do this whole terrible day over again. How very painful.

Hope

We are still waiting to see if I am pregnant. My blood pregnancy test is on Tuesday morning (13th). We were called and informed that out of the 4 remaining embryos, 2 made it to the right development and that they were cryopreserved for future tries for babies. It is slightly relieving to know we have a few more chances just in case. :0) I am hoping we are pregnant but afraid to think about it too much. So for right now I am just staying busy! Wish us luck.

It Finally Happened ...

We were able to finally do our embryo transfer on Saturday October 3rd at approximately 1130AM. The procedure took all of 9 minutes but it was such a cool feeling to know there is finally an actual chance that we might be pregnant soon! I must say the traditional way of making babies is way more fun and so much less awkward.  It was strange that 4 other women were involved in the process Saturday morning! LOL. There was 1 ultrasound tech, 1 ultrasound tech in training, 1 fertility doctor and 1 embryologist (embryo doc). So weird.

We ended up transferring 2 embryos much to my surprise because the embryologist recommended it. The fertility doctor was not really happy about that idea ... at all! We should know if it worked after I have a blood test on the morning of October 13th! Keep us in your prayers!   

WOW ...

OK, well I got the call today that out of the 26 eggs they retrieved ...

(human egg - Not mine)

they fertilized 19 (with ICSI shown below) ...

(ICSI = Intracytoplasmic sperm injection, pronounced "ICK-see")

Out of those 19 eggs, 13 of them took! (Meaning actually fertilized.)

It is very weird to think that Mikel & I have 13 "babies" in a petri dish in Seattle! (So very, very, very weird!)

(Still not an actual picture of "our" petri dish or embryos)

Now we wait to see which ones continue to divide properly and we transfer 1-2 of them on either Wednesday or Saturday. I am EXCITED! Wish us luck.

Step 5, 6 & 7 ...

WOW today was a big step toward having children!

I had my eggs retrieved this morning 845AM and all went well. Mikel also gave a baby making sample while I was in surgery and they put them together in the lab some time today. I was still recovering from anesthesia when the doctor came in to tell us he retrieved 26 eggs. (The average is 16) The eggs retrieved will not all be fertilized for various reasons. One, they are not all at the right maturity stage (too old or too young) Second, as the doctor put it, we don't want to have a little army created for us ... 26 would be a few too many.

They will call us some time tomorrow to let us know how many eggs were fertilized out of the eggs retrieved. Until then we just wait. The transfer of 1-2 embryo will happen either on Wednesday or Saturday and if there are any extra they will be cryopreserved for future babies.

Step 4

OK my friend who is a nurse gave me my HCG IM (intramuscular) shot. It is the shot given exactly 36 hours before the scheduled egg retrieval procedure. My friend did a great job and all should go well. I took a pregnancy test the next morning to confirm that my body absorbed the hormone. It is weird to have a positive pregnancy test and know for a fact you are not pregnant. Everything is a go to have my eggs retrieved on Monday the 28Th at 845 AM. :o)

Step 3 ... Continued

OK, we are back from our lovely summer vacation and ready to try again. The ultrasound appointment last week revealed that the ginormous (both gigantic and enormous) cyst I had on my left ovary from the medication I was taking (Lupron) has "collapsed". Now that the cyst is resolved we can move on to the actual follicle stimulating medications (the ones that help mature multiple eggs).

I am on day 3 of my Follistim and Menopur SQ shots. They sting a little but they are nothing compared to the shots coming up, gulp! I am both excited and nervous; there are a lot of things that can go wrong with our fertility treatment besides not getting pregnant but for right now I am trying to stay focused on the positive and hopeful that this will all result in a healthy child or two. :o)

Your continued prayers and well wishes are very much appreciated! Hugs.

Step 3.2 ... another "detour"

GRRR ... another detour in the road.

So, I went in for my "suppression check" (ultrasound to look at my ovaries) the Thursday before last and I had a cyst on my left ovary. They had me come in this last Thursday and the cyst had actually gotten larger instead of smaller so long story short we can't begin our IVF treatment.

When I went in to have the ultrasound this last time the doctor asked "Did you empty your bladder?" to which I replied "Yes, completely". His next response was a bit alarming as he says "oh, that is your cyst, it almost looks like a full bladder". I thought in my head holy crap ... THAT'S HOW BIG IT IS! The cyst is so large it is pushing my uterus out of the way. Fun times. The reason we can't start the rest of the fertility meds is that the cyst would be the only thing that would grow, no eggs would develop. As the nurse put it, all I would get is a really expensive cyst. The doctor decided since I have "young ovaries" that, that is the reason why my body responded the way it did. When they got my blood work back my estrogen was at 700 from the cyst (normal range 25-75 or 200 when ovulating!) Crazy!

We are now going to wait for it to resolve on its own for about a month. I am going on vacation in about 9 days so its fine. Now I can go in the hot tub and have a martini if I want. :o) It is just lame to have another detour in the road on our journey to having kids. Wish us luck.

Step 3

OK, well the medications arrived Wednesday on our front porch. ~Step 3 = I have now completed 2 Lupron SQ (subcutaneous / in the fatty tissue) injections on myself in the tummy. They give you insulin needles (tiny) so it is really not that bad, it just itches a little for a while after the injection. I believe the Luperon is to help better "control" my ovulation. The first shot was kind of exciting, I was gitty all day to finally "start" the fertility medications. I have weeks and LOTS of shots to go. I did a lot of reading today on IVF and IFV medications as well as ICSI. It is still all very confusing.

I am excited to start the actual fertility medications. I am happy and sad all at once. I am not really sure what the problem is, but I feel down. When I was reading today about infertility the writer described the couples (women specifically) going through infertility treatments as fragile ... when I read that line I realized that was exactly how I have been feeling. I feel very isolated and fragile. It is difficult to want something in such an incredibly deep way and there really is nothing you can do and no one who can really, truly understand what you are going through or how it feels.

I have amazing friends and family so it is not like I am being abandoned or anything it is just that there is such a loss that goes along with fertility treatments and it is difficult to try to articulate or explain in any real way. It is like all of the "fun" of trying to have a baby is sucked out and it is all business. All consuming, whole hearted investment, business. That of course is before all the hormones kick in, then the roller coaster I am sure gets crazier!

That is all I have today, just lonely and sad. It might be related to the shots I am taking who knows. I will be fine I just feel like I am on the grueling uphill stretch of a never ending journey. It's exhausting. :o1

Step 2

OK, we just got home from a mini vacation in the good ol' Windy City of Chicago. Fun times. :o) Now that we are back home it is back to business.

Step 2 = making sure all appointments are made, payments are done and medications are ordered.

We are still trying to finalize financing but I did order my fertility medications today! It feels like a really big step that totally commits you to going through with the first IVF treatment! The medications will be on our doorstep tomorrow, CRAZY!

I am glad to have something to be excited about. Our financing for the "Attain or Cost Share" program went south and now we are trying to figure out if we are going to "pay as we go" or scramble to find more funding for the "safer" financial plan. I was completely devastated when an unnamed (we will just call them evil-express) credit card company reduced our credit limit on the day our fertility place tried to process our costs! Dirty! The evil-express company denied coverage and then sent us an "automated" message letting us know our account had been reduced effective immediately. When I called for an explanation it was because we had been making "minimum balance" payments on all of our credit card accounts, not late payments or missed payments but "minimum balance" payments. They are not supposed to have access to information from our other accounts, dirty dogs!

Anyway, we have enough financing to cover just one treatment and possible 1-2 frozen embryo transfers if we have any. The benefit of the "Coast Share / Attain" plan is that once you get funding for the treatments you don't have to think about it again you just move on with each treatment where as paying for each cycle individually stresses you out because you have to go find funding EVERY time.

That is why I am happy the medicine is at least on its way, it is nice to have something to look forward to, regardless of weather or not we will be able do another treatment for a while.

Wish us luck! :o)

Step 1

OK, we finally have a calender to begin our treatments. The first treatment takes approximately 2 months to execute so I am on step one of the calender, begin birth control pills. It seems a bit counter productive but it is to help regulate my cycle and "calm down" my ovaries before all the fun meds begin. I am excited to actually start the real thing. :o) If everything goes according to plan I will be taking a pregnancy test by about 10 September! Wish us luck!

Details ...

There are so many tiny details to work out when going through fertility treatments. It is so not as simple as most people trying to have kids. "OK lets have sex tonight" and they are good. Oh no, there are ultrasounds, blood draws, medication schedules and etc to work around both of our work schedules and vacations! It is already exhausting and we have just started with financing and working on our calender/schedule. LOL. I just hope it all works out. That's what really matters ... bringing home a healthy baby, or two. :o)

Change of plans ...

Well, apparently there was a miscommunication between Michael & I because we ARE going to go ahead and move forward with our treatments! Mikel & I spent all day Thursday tracking down financing for the treatment. (Very stressful & exhausting). Next step is an ultrasound tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Brakes ...

I am sad to announce that we have had to put the brakes on when it comes to our fertility treatment planned for this summer. I am very sad to post pone having a baby yet AGAIN but we think it is the right thing to do for us. We financially can not actually afford the treatment but might be able to swing it for a few months before I graduate if we move things back a bit. So, instead of having our 1st IVF treatment in August we are going to have it instead in December during the Christmas break. I will be able to start working after graduation and we could be at a bit better place financially. We have also decided that people do "premarital" counseling ... why not "pre-children" counseling? What couple couldn't benefit from improving their communication & conflict resolution skills? :o) I am excited to work on "us" before adding kids to the mix. I am sad to push back having kids but it is a better plan for us. It sucks but that is what we need to do. In the end as long as we end up with healthy children, that's what matters!

Each new day

I have a hard time with the whole "not being pregnant / not having kids thing" when I least expect it. I was just having a casual conversation when I had to choke back tears discreetly during my answer to the age old question "how's it going on the baby making front?" I am excited to tell people that we are going to do IVF during the summer ... I just didn't expect to feel that sense of loss that comes with not having a child of my own. School really does keep me busy yet; each new day is a struggle. I was fine just caught off guard. I look forward to becoming pregnant ... all I can do is wait & pray. :o)

As a girl ...

As a girl I would just like to be without "that time of month" for a while, ya' know! I am actually happy for the first time to not be prego only because we booked a cruise for September and you can't go on the boat if you are further than 24 weeks along. That would be the only reason to be happy about it, the rest is pretty lame. As girls we totally get the raw end of the deal on that whole setup! I am sure that is TMI for everyone but that's what is going through my head right now. That's what happens when you stay up frequently past 2 AM!

Busy

Keeping busy has greatly helped to distract me from our baby journey sorrows. I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow so we will see if I am still OK after that ...

Hard to wait ...

It is so very difficult to wait ... I just really want to be pregnant & to be a mommy... to be someones mommy, what a special thing. :o) Its hard to wait!

JUNE

The next steps for us to become pregnant will most likely happen around June. There are a lot of little details like meeting with the finance people, blood draws & tests that need to be ran. I have to go on birth control pills for 3 weeks/3 months prior to being given the follicle (egg) stimulating hormones they have me on to harvest multiple eggs. So, June is when we will start on some of those projects to hopefully have a (successful) treatment in August. That would be cool to have a baby by next May. It feels like FOREVER away but, well worth the wait.
Nursing school has really helped distract me from the agonizing patients I have had to develop to cope with our long baby journey.
I have also decided to do Weight Watchers and exercise so that I can be healthier in general. Especially since carrying a child is hard enough, without nursing school or the possibility of twins. (I don't even want to think about the weight gain on that one!)
:o) I am greatly anticipating our IVF treatments because those are the treatments that should work for us. I am grateful / thankful to God that we at least have a good chance to conceive, even if it is not how we were hoping. This journey has certainly been challenging yet, there is still hope. I am very thankful for that! :o)

:o(

Well, no such luck. I am really bummed that the IUI treatments did not work. It would have made things much simpler! I think nursing school has provided an adequate distraction. I am looking forward to doing our IVF treatments but it will take a few months before we get started, we have a lot of saving and fundraising to do. :o) Wish us luck.

Treatment Numero 2

I had an IUI treatment on Wednesday the 18th. We should know if it worked on the 6th or so ... my birthday actually. I might wait to take the preo test until the next day ... it would be a pretty awesome birthday present though!

Attempt number two

Attempt number two has commenced. I started my Clomid on Friday and will be done on Tuesday. I will go in for an ultrasound on the 17th and then I will have a treatment that day or the next. It would greatly simplify things if we could get pregnant with an IUI treatment but I have (we both have) decided that this will be our last IUI treatment before switch to rounds of IVF. We will have to hold off until after the summer probably to save some money and figure out financing. Thank you all again for your prayer, support and friendship.

Not sure how I am doing ...

I have been very busy with nursing school. It has been a pretty good distraction from my fertility sorrows until this last week ... we started our OB & pediatrics rotations. Nothing like rubbing salt in the wound by studying about pregnant women and taking care of kids. Ha, ha ... the irony. At least it is a subject I am very interested in!

Today was really hard. It could have been much worse though.

I will explain ...

I basically decided to take this month off of fertility treatments because I was starting nursing school again and was already stressed enough. I am really glad I didn't have a fertility treatment in retrospect because today I was EIGHT days late for my period!!!! I am almost never later than 3 days and the most I have ever been late is 5 days. I have had really bad lower back pain for 3 days straight ... I don't really ever get lower back pain unless I did strenuous lifting or something. I have not done anything that should cause back pain so I don't know what is up with that. I don't really want to think about the possibility of my body spontaneously aborting ... there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I think I will email the nurse at our fertility clinic though to figure out if my 8 day late period is not to outside of normal with the meds I was on for our last fertility treatment. I am very thankful we didn't have a treatment ... I would have been balling if I started after 8 days! Rough day anyway!!!

On the up side, at my clinical rotation at the hospital today I got to watch a Cesarean birth of twin girls and a regular birth of a little boy. It was fun to be a part of. The families and staff were very sweet.
Time for bed, a very busy rest of the week awaits me!

I'm better ...

I am better. I was a bit grumpy there for a while but I have a great distraction now, nursing school started again. The irony though is that this quarter is all about pregnancy & pediatrics ... I just can't win! Well, at least I will finally be interested in the subject matter during my classes.

Thank you to friends and family for your patients and kind words through all of this. I have a hard time sometimes keeping my head with how many ups and downs are a part of this emotional roller coaster.

I decided to take this month off of hormones and try again next month. Wish us luck, or at least happiness. :0)