Hard days ...

I have hard days when I least expect them.

I was at the pumpkin patch today, enjoying our friends and their children when out of nowhere I wanted to burst into tears. I wasn't feeling hormonal or even that emotionally really at the time. I just felt, alone and somewhat alienated.

Through the vast number of emotions this crazy fertility rollercoaster has taken me on, I have days were I love to be around babies / kids and then I have days were I really struggle and it almost puts me in a panic to be near "families". It is hard to describe without sounding mildly neurotic or crazy. Well, let’s see. I will put it this way: it almost always hurts to see pregnant women at this point and I have come to expect that feeling. I am happy for my friends who are pregnant and the hurt has nothing to do with them, it is my own sense of loss that I feel. Yet, when it comes to hanging out with babies and kids I never know when all of the sudden I will be hit with unexpected and intense emotions.

Being at the pumpkin patch is very family oriented. I long for the little idiosyncrasies that are involved in a family day such as paying admission for items like: a cow train ride, slide, corn maze or etc. Having to watch from the sidelines as kids go on rides, bounce on toys and go down slides while their adoring parents look on, laughing and taking pictures … I don’t want to be on the sidelines anymore … it breaks my heart to just feel so far from that type of life with no real promise of it ever happening in site. Even the thought of having to keep an eye on kids as they dash back and forth and run to pick a pumpkin three times the size of themselves is something my heart longs for in my everyday life.

I will be fine and enjoyed the time I spent with my friends, I just hate days were you spend the entire day with others and still feel so … alone.