Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Time ...

I can't believe it has been over 3 months since we had to have a D&C. I have been distracted by school I suppose. It took me until just about a month ago I guess to not burst into tears think about things. This IVF cycle it was seeing pregnant women that hurt, like razor blades to my heart, although seeing babies didn't feel much better either. I am always happy for people when I see they have been blessed to have children. Yet, it seems to also remind me that having children of my own seems like a completely unobtainable plight!
We have no idea what we are going to do next! We do not have the money for another full round of IVF. We have only done 1 single round of IVF resulting in 1 fresh embryo transfer and one FET (Frozen). We are looking @ the option of adoption, one we plan to do regardless of what happens with IVF. All of which takes financed we do not currently have. I know God will work something out, I just don’t know what we are supposed to do?
There was a message or pastor at church talked about last week. It talked about “waiting on God” or “acting in faith” … it’s hard to know which to do since both have a biblical base. During this storm … I am lost on whether we should “stay in the boat” (wait in faith) or “get out of the boat” (walk in faith).  It really is not “black or white”; it truly is a deep shade of grey.
For now, we wait, as we have for 8 years. Heartbreaking …

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Heartache ...

I guess it has been a while since I have been on my blog ... unfortunately I had to have a D&C at 9 weeks because we found out that the baby was not developing properly due to Trisomy 16. We were heartbroken & devastated. Then we found out it was a girl ... I am really struggling with the loss now that it is more real, more personal. I have been in a bad funk. It is hard to explain. I trust God, I know He has a plan for us yet I feel stuck. I feel like I am trapped inside my head and no one knows or even really notices. I have a harder time enjoying myself ... I just feel ... not myself. I don't really feel depressed or anything. I just feel ... yuck! ... just nothing really & yet at the same time raw. I continue to pray & I constantly (especially at night) think of my little girl & what we should name her. Until then ... heartache.

Monday, July 9, 2012

We are officially pregnant!

After over 7.5 years of trying ... over 90 months of hoping ... over 2,737 days of waiting we are officially pregnant for the first time ever! I am half in shock half totally excited! I don't even know what to say except ... thank you God!


Our FET (frozen embryo transfer) went well on the 27th. We went to Seattle around 1-130 to have the before transfer acupuncture then had the transfer around 230. We stayed after to have the post acupuncture treatment & then left around 3pm or so I believe. The worst part of the transfer was having a super full bladder.
I will explain more about the detail of the transfer later. ;o)

Friday, May 11, 2012

The big day is June 27th

Michael & I are planning a FET (frozen embryo transfer) {aka. IVF fertility treatment} on June 27th. We invite you to pray with us for success! Thank you all so much ahead of time. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I am super nervous but for the first time in a very long time I am HOPEFUL! That is just so exciting!!! Praying that it will all work out & around March 20th we will have a(at least 1, lol) healthy child!

Thursday, March 29, 2012


I had my second uterine fibroid removed on March 23rd & seem to be recovering well despite a sinus infection that will not let go. :o( The surgery went well, it was supposed to take 2-2.5hrs & it was done in 45min. Dr Dudley is awesome. :o) It took me forever to completely snap out of it from anesthesia (surgery got out at 945is & we didn't leave until around 4pm).

I am hoping that I will heal in time to do a FET in June. We have just 2 embryos left & I am nervous but hopefully.

Such a long time to wait ...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted comments on this baby journey blog.

I don't know how time has gone by so quickly. I just looked at  my October 16, 2010 posting and feel like I am in the same frame of mind "It's hard not to freak-out about the time that keeps slipping by as we have to wait to move forward with our fertility treatments. We had to pay our first "storage fees" because it had been a YEAR since our 1st IVF trial. I am sad to think that 2 potential babies are just sitting in storage. The prospect of having a child of our own seems so close & yet so far away. (sigh)".

I guess I have been just working and going to school again.

Just to fill in some gaps I had an emergency surgery (I tried to bleed to death) to remove a fibroid at the end of July in 2010. We did not end up doing any additional fertility treatments because Michael & I both lost our jobs in 2010 & ended up in foreclosure (that is still not over) .  Not so fun.
We are back in 4plex apartments that are 2-3 away from the 4plex where we lived when we first got married. LOL, I don't really even know what to say about that at this point. Ugh!