Ironic ...

I found this "unpublished" post from back in 2010:

4/18/10:
Now would be nice...

I went to another baby shower ... I did really well this time. I am too distracted by studying for my NCLEX to focus too much on REALLY wanting a baby (or two, lol). I am happy for my friend who is having the baby ... she was adorable at her shower.

It would be really awesome to have a baby shower of my own ... some day. Sigh.

UPDATE 2/8/15:

Oh my goodness! How ironic is it that the weekend I am finally able to get back into my "Baby Journey" blog is the weekend of my very own shower!?! I found this older "unpublisged" post (from 5 years ago?!?) talking about going to a friend's shower & here I am FINALLY having one of my own!!! God is awesome!!! ~Feeling very blessed & humbled. ;o)

Yeah, updates!

07Feb2015

Yeah!!! I was finally able get back into this blog. I thought I would post some updates! If you are new to reading this blog the posts scroll from newest to oldest. If you want the full story, please read from the beginning (2008), thank you.

04Oct2014
I had decided in 2014 to create a private fb page to replace this blog (because I could NOT figure out how to get back into it to make updates) so below is the first post I created on Facebook.


One couple's heartfelt journey to have a family.

I decided to start this face book (fb) group to convert my old blog that was created in November of 2008 into a more “current” format. I greatly appreciate the love & support Michael & I have received over the past 6+ years! We wanted an easier way to keep our friends and family up to date as well as provide myself with a therapeutic outlet when times get really stressful and hormones really kick in.

This fb group is meant to be a safe place for all of us to communicate & may one day be shared with others who struggle with fertility issues. Please be respectful & kind when posting on this privet group—otherwise you will unfortunately be removed from the group. Thank you for your respectful consideration

2014-2015

Wow, it's been so long since I was able to access & post on this blog. I thought I would try to take the time to update things since we finally have GREAT news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael & I ended up being able to save money over 2013-2014 since we were both working two jobs. We literally set up an automatic withdrawal from our account (into savings) & just threw as much as we could into savings. We went back to our fertility specialist & set up a time line to do our 2^nd round of IVF (a round includes an egg retrieval & transfer). We ended up taking out a small loan through one of the financing options provided by SRM.

On July 31^st , 2014 I did my second egg retrieval & by August 5^th we did our 3^rd ever IVF transfer. We again transferred 2 embryos & on September 4^th we had a 7 week ultrasound to confirm that we were pregnant!!! (We wanted to wait to get excited until after the ultrasound this time [instead of blood work] since we had such heartbreak last time). So, at our 7 week ultrasound we found out that YES indeed we were pregnant & SURPRISE … we’re having TWINS!!! :o) We ended up only telling close friends & family about being pregnant with twins until after around 20 weeks (just in case). Now the BOYS are well on their way (I’m 29 weeks) and we are expecting to have a C-section (d/t my previous surgeries) some time at the end of March!!!!

We feel so very blessed & it is still weird to think that this is actually happening. I think after being told “no” for almost 10 years … it was so strange to transition to … “oh, yes … this is actually happening”.  I can tell that I really don’t understand that there are 2 little boys on their way but I am excited and nervous to start this new journey into parenthood!!!

Time ...

I can't believe it has been over 3 months since we had to have a D&C. I have been distracted by school I suppose. It took me until just about a month ago I guess to not burst into tears think about things. This IVF cycle it was seeing pregnant women that hurt, like razor blades to my heart, although seeing babies didn't feel much better either. I am always happy for people when I see they have been blessed to have children. Yet, it seems to also remind me that having children of my own seems like a completely unobtainable plight!
 
We have no idea what we are going to do next! We do not have the money for another full round of IVF. We have only done 1 single round of IVF resulting in 1 fresh embryo transfer and one FET (Frozen). We are looking @ the option of adoption, one we plan to do regardless of what happens with IVF. All of which takes financed we do not currently have. I know God will work something out, I just don’t know what we are supposed to do?
 
There was a message or pastor at church talked about last week. It talked about “waiting on God” or “acting in faith” … it’s hard to know which to do since both have a biblical base. During this storm … I am lost on whether we should “stay in the boat” (wait in faith) or “get out of the boat” (walk in faith).  It really is not “black or white”; it truly is a deep shade of grey.
 
For now, we wait, as we have for 8 years. Heartbreaking …

Heartache ...

I guess it has been a while since I have been on my blog ... unfortunately I had to have a D&C at 9 weeks because we found out that the baby was not developing properly due to Trisomy 16. We were heartbroken & devastated. Then we found out it was a girl ... I am really struggling with the loss now that it is more real, more personal. I have been in a bad funk. It is hard to explain. I trust God, I know He has a plan for us yet I feel stuck. I feel like I am trapped inside my head and no one knows or even really notices. I have a harder time enjoying myself ... I just feel ... not myself. I don't really feel depressed or anything. I just feel ... yuck! ... just nothing really & yet at the same time raw. I continue to pray & I constantly (especially at night) think of my little girl & what we should name her. Until then ... heartache.

We are officially pregnant!

After over 7.5 years of trying ... over 90 months of hoping ... over 2,737 days of waiting we are officially pregnant for the first time ever! I am half in shock half totally excited! I don't even know what to say except ... thank you God!

Transfer

Our FET (frozen embryo transfer) went well on the 27th. We went to Seattle around 1-130 to have the before transfer acupuncture then had the transfer around 230. We stayed after to have the post acupuncture treatment & then left around 3pm or so I believe. The worst part of the transfer was having a super full bladder.

I will explain more about the detail of the transfer later. ;o)

The big day is June 27th

Michael & I are planning a FET (frozen embryo transfer) {aka. IVF fertility treatment} on June 27th. We invite you to pray with us for success! Thank you all so much ahead of time. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I am super nervous but for the first time in a very long time I am HOPEFUL! That is just so exciting!!! Praying that it will all work out & around March 20th we will have a(at least 1, lol) healthy child!

Surgery

I had my second uterine fibroid removed on March 23rd & seem to be recovering well despite a sinus infection that will not let go. :o( The surgery went well, it was supposed to take 2-2.5hrs & it was done in 45min. Dr Dudley is awesome. :o) It took me forever to completely snap out of it from anesthesia (surgery got out at 945is & we didn't leave until around 4pm).

I am hoping that I will heal in time to do a FET in June. We have just 2 embryos left & I am nervous but hopefully.

Such a long time to wait ...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted comments on this baby journey blog.

I don't know how time has gone by so quickly. I just looked at  my October 16, 2010 posting and feel like I am in the same frame of mind "It's hard not to freak-out about the time that keeps slipping by as we have to wait to move forward with our fertility treatments. We had to pay our first "storage fees" because it had been a YEAR since our 1st IVF trial. I am sad to think that 2 potential babies are just sitting in storage. The prospect of having a child of our own seems so close & yet so far away. (sigh)".

I guess I have been just working and going to school again.

Just to fill in some gaps I had an emergency surgery (I tried to bleed to death) to remove a fibroid at the end of July in 2010. We did not end up doing any additional fertility treatments because Michael & I both lost our jobs in 2010 & ended up in foreclosure (that is still not over) .  Not so fun.

We are back in 4plex apartments that are 2-3 away from the 4plex where we lived when we first got married. LOL, I don't really even know what to say about that at this point. Ugh!

Time ...

I feel cursed to wait an eternity for the thing I have wanted most in life ... children.

I know in my head that "now is not the time" but it still hurts in my heart. I am doing much better with trusting that God is going to take care of not only our needs but also our "heart's desires". I feel a bit like I was missed on the "heart's desires" list ... 7 years running. :o( I see all the left over fertility medications in my frig and think ... wow these cost almost $2k and they EXPIRE next March and there is nothing I can do about it except wait, awesome.

Big sigh ... :o(

At least I have a new job to distract me ... for now. :o)

Time

It's hard not to freak-out about the time that keeps slipping by as we have to wait to move forward with our fertility treatments. We had to pay our first "storage fees" because it had been a YEAR since our 1st IVF trial. I am sad to think that 2 potential babies are just sitting in storage. The prospect of having a child of our own seems so close & yet so far away. (sigh)

We are in such a devastating financial state right now the idea of another IVF cycle is far from reality at this point. God has a plan I know yet, it is certainly "not right now".

Now we wait.

No idea ...

I have no idea when we are going to do another round of fertility treatments. Apparently God has something else planned for this time in our lives. We have no finances to proceed so now we simply wait until God provides ... waiting seems to be the worst part of this whole process. That and not knowing if this will ever work out. Sigh.

IVF # 2

Well, we are going to attempt a FET (frozen embryo transfer) in August. I start the medications sometime soon ... not sure exactly when. I started the birth contol pills this evening so hopefully they don't make me sick or gain weight. :o)

I had been doing really well with not having kids for quite a while this time yet, I had a really rough day on Sunday. We were at a friend's house with tons of kids playing on a trampoline and all the mom's & dad's around a fire pit ... I was feeling down and very stressed from work so that didn't help. I just felt uncomfortable being the only couple there without kids. I hate it actually and really don't know what God is waiting for ... I could cry over it but I am too stressed over things at work. One day at a time.
I did get to meet the new little son of a friend of mine. Eli, he is so cute and grunts like a little piggy. It's quite precious. His mommy and daddy waited a long time for his to come so I am especially happy for them. :o)

Hummmmm

Now with no school to distract me ... I really have the baby bug!!!

Sigh ...

I want to have a healthy baby of my own ... sigh.

Someday ...

I went to another baby shower ... I did really well this time. I am too distracted by studying for my NCLEX to focus too much on REALLY wanting a baby (or two, lol). I am happy for my friend who is having the baby ... she was adorable at her shower.


It would be really awesome to have a baby shower of my own ....... some day. Sigh.

June

I am really hoping that we will have the money to do another IVF treatment in June. Keep us in your prayer. :o)

AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

OMG my NCLEX-RN exam is scheduled for April 27, 2010 at 0800!!! I feel like throwing up, AHHHH!




Please dear God help me to pass!!!!

More likely the month of May ...

Well I graduate from nursing school in a matter of days! (This Saturday!!) I am looking forward to being off of the nursing school merry-go-round! It will be at least 4-6 weeks until I take my state exam so we decided to try again after I PASS my NCLEX. (More likely the month of May) That should relieve a LOT of stress and help us be successful. I really hope that we are able to get pregnant this next try otherwise we will have to wait until after we pay off at least a few credit cards until we can try again!!! It is just so very expensive!

Keep us in your prayers that this next try is successful! Hugs.