Trust in God ...

Well I am certainly learning to trust in God in more than one area of my life right now. I believe I understand why we did not get pregnant this round of fertility treatments. This quarter of nursing school is the most stressful I have ever had to endure, so far! I would not be able to handle this quarter with even one more stressor. I can barely take it as is ... I can't do this all on my own and am praying that God will carry me through this terrible barren wasteland of a valley that has blasted me out of nowhere! 

Distraction ...

Well I don't have time to be sad; school is such a big distraction! This quarter is so much more stressful than I anticipated and I am not alone. All of my classmates say they are also overwhelmed and just as frazzled as I am. I am just trying to survive this quarter and pass!!! 

Hard days ...

I have hard days when I least expect them.

I was at the pumpkin patch today, enjoying our friends and their children when out of nowhere I wanted to burst into tears. I wasn't feeling hormonal or even that emotionally really at the time. I just felt, alone and somewhat alienated.

Through the vast number of emotions this crazy fertility rollercoaster has taken me on, I have days were I love to be around babies / kids and then I have days were I really struggle and it almost puts me in a panic to be near "families". It is hard to describe without sounding mildly neurotic or crazy. Well, let’s see. I will put it this way: it almost always hurts to see pregnant women at this point and I have come to expect that feeling. I am happy for my friends who are pregnant and the hurt has nothing to do with them, it is my own sense of loss that I feel. Yet, when it comes to hanging out with babies and kids I never know when all of the sudden I will be hit with unexpected and intense emotions.

Being at the pumpkin patch is very family oriented. I long for the little idiosyncrasies that are involved in a family day such as paying admission for items like: a cow train ride, slide, corn maze or etc. Having to watch from the sidelines as kids go on rides, bounce on toys and go down slides while their adoring parents look on, laughing and taking pictures … I don’t want to be on the sidelines anymore … it breaks my heart to just feel so far from that type of life with no real promise of it ever happening in site. Even the thought of having to keep an eye on kids as they dash back and forth and run to pick a pumpkin three times the size of themselves is something my heart longs for in my everyday life.

I will be fine and enjoyed the time I spent with my friends, I just hate days were you spend the entire day with others and still feel so … alone. 

One day at a time ...

I am doing better, school is an effective distraction. I don't feel overwhelmed by sorrow anymore but I am not back up to hopeful. I am not mad at God anymore just mildly frustrated and having a hard time trusting that he does have what is "best" in mind for us. It is certainly a journey that takes time. :o) Right now I am dealing with it all one day at a time.

No ...

Our first round of IVF was unsuccessful. The HCG levels dropped from 38 to 24.5. The nurse said that we were not pregnant and that when we were ready, to contact the doctor and we could try again.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement, but crying, sobbing ... helps. I spent the day with a friend since my husband was at work. I knew I didn't want to be alone when I got the phone call today, either way. I don't think I would have been able to stop crying today if I didn't have her there to help. This is the part you try to prepare yourself for during fertility treatments ... you try to remind yourself that it usually takes a few tries that it’s going to be ok, God has a plan. There really is no way to prepare yourself and at that moment you are angry at God and do not feel any peace or that he has a plan, just sadness for the loss you have just felt, again.

I think part of what was hardest was that they give you a picture of the embryos that they transfer ... most would see them as rather insignificant ... but to someone who wants so baby to be a mother, they are "her babies" and now they are gone.

We will be fine and life will go on yet for right now I am letting in the sadness for a short while and then pressing forward. We will try again but we may or may not try again in December; it is too soon to say.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and support.

UGH!

Today was not the happy occasion I was hoping for or even the sad day I was afraid of ... it was worse.

I got a positive on my blood pregnancy test HOWEVER it was low. The nurse explained that they like to see HCG levels at 50 and mine were at 38. They are having me come in for another blood test on Friday to see if the HCG levels have at LEAST doubled. If they haven’t it means that either the embryos either stopped developing or miscarried. She seemed cautious in the way she explained the levels and skeptical that they would double that much by Friday. To make matters worse I had just taken a home pregnancy test not 10min before she called and it was positive. Fertility treatments make a positive test result tricky.

I think I am in a state of shock. At least if she would have said, no I am sorry your test results were negative. I could have cried my eyes out, got over it and resolve myself to knowing that we were going to have to try again. If she would have said yes without strings attached, we could have celebrated even though there are still risks of losing the pregnancy in the 1st trimester. Instead ... I get a maybe ... a maybe! All I can do is be numb; I sort of cried and am sort of hopeful. I don't really know what to do with myself. Ugh! It is sooooo frustrating!

Now I just wait ... again until Friday to do this whole terrible day over again. How very painful.

Hope

We are still waiting to see if I am pregnant. My blood pregnancy test is on Tuesday morning (13th). We were called and informed that out of the 4 remaining embryos, 2 made it to the right development and that they were cryopreserved for future tries for babies. It is slightly relieving to know we have a few more chances just in case. :0) I am hoping we are pregnant but afraid to think about it too much. So for right now I am just staying busy! Wish us luck.

It Finally Happened ...

We were able to finally do our embryo transfer on Saturday October 3rd at approximately 1130AM. The procedure took all of 9 minutes but it was such a cool feeling to know there is finally an actual chance that we might be pregnant soon! I must say the traditional way of making babies is way more fun and so much less awkward.  It was strange that 4 other women were involved in the process Saturday morning! LOL. There was 1 ultrasound tech, 1 ultrasound tech in training, 1 fertility doctor and 1 embryologist (embryo doc). So weird.

We ended up transferring 2 embryos much to my surprise because the embryologist recommended it. The fertility doctor was not really happy about that idea ... at all! We should know if it worked after I have a blood test on the morning of October 13th! Keep us in your prayers!